A Letter to my First Mother

EDIT: This letter was written when I was still under the belief that I would probably never find my biological mother, or that if I did, she would not want contact with me. I was finally able to meet my mother on April 19, 2014 and she has since answered many of my questions.

Dear Mother,

I realize that you may not want to be found, and you may not want any contact with me. If that is the case, I want you to know that I understand and respect your decision. However, I have many questions that I would like to ask you. If this reaches you, and you do not want contact, I would appreciate an anonymous response to this letter. You can send it to the adoption agency, and they will make sure it gets to me. If I do receive a response, I promise to discontinue my search.

1. What is my medical history?
Does cancer run in the family? What kind? What about heart disease? Any other diseases or disorders I should know about? Any specific preventative measures I should be taking?

2. Who am I?
What is my heritage? According to some paperwork I have, you are part Indian and Irish. Does “Indian” mean Native American? If so, what tribe? What part of Ireland are my ancestors from? When did they come to America? Can you tell me anything about my birth father’s background?

3. Why did you put me up for adoption?
Were you coerced into giving me up? Could you not afford to keep me? Did you think you wouldn’t be a good mother? Did you not love me enough to try to make it work? I know that you had two previous births before mine. Were you already overwhelmed with the first two? If you kept them, why not me? This leads me to my next question…

4. What can you tell me about my siblings?
Do we share the same father? Do I have a brother? I’ve always wanted a brother. Do I have any younger siblings as well? Do they know about me? Did you give them up for adoption, too?

5. What would you have named me?
I know this may be a silly question, but I’ve always wondered what my name would have been. I don’t really feel like a “Jessica.” I understand why my adoptive parents gave me my name, and I love the story behind it. But it seems so plain, and I am not a plain person!

6. Do you ever think about me?
I think about you often, and I wonder if you ever think about me, too. Are you proud of me? Did you see the pictures of my children? You have some amazing beautiful grandbabies. I think you would be proud of them.

7. Who do I look like?
I assume I look like you because we have similar features, according to the paperwork I received. But I want to know, where did I get my nose, my squinty eyes, my soft voice? One of my daughters has blue eyes. Who in my family has blue eyes? Does she get them from my birth father?

Last, but not least, I want to say thank you for giving me this life. It is crazy, but beautiful and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Love always,
Your Daughter